What if
by opernfanatisch
Summary: What if we were given a chance to live life all over again? Would we take it? My first shot! Please be gentle but honest as well!
1. Chapter 1

ANDY

Slowly he came to with only darkness surrounding him for a moment. He blinked a couple of times before the blurry picture in front of him came into focus. The second the whole reality of the scene enfolded itself, a never known feeling of panic ripped through him, for what he was looking at was a sight of complete and utter despair: There he was, he himself, on the ground of the parking lot where he was just about to have what seemed like the most important dinner of his life so far. He could make out a large puddle of blood ,clearly visible next to the shining white of the dress shirt he chose to wear for that very special evening. 2 Paramedics were getting ready to use a defibrillator when he couldn´t look at this scene any turned his head slightly and that`s when he spotted her, his feeling of terror momentarily replaced by relief .It didn`t last long though and relief was replaced once again by the blackest despair possible, like a knife that`s been pushed into your heart and then ever so slowly twisted around, the kind of despair that only comes with a profound and deeply-felt love or rather the feeling of seeing the person your heart belongs to fall apart right there in front of your eyes.

Andy was heartbroken. The sight of his own body almost forgotten at the vision of Sharon coming apart between Mike and Julio who just seconds earlier had been struggling to keep her away from his lifeless body, each grabbing one of her arms to hold her back. She had been kicking and screaming his name reaching out for him with blood stained hands and arms before breaking down completely clutching her bloody hands to her face, mumbling incoherent words. When she grabbed Julios´ arm and held on to it for dear life sobbing helplessly, Andy couldn´t bear it anymore. He wanted to hold her in his own arms, whisper soothing words into her ear, tell her that he was right there as always. He tried calling out her name but there was no sound to be heard,he tried walking towards her but couldn´t step forward, on the contrary. Every time he tried to make a step forward he felt a pull back until he couldn`t fight it anymore and some invisible power was sucking him backwards, away from his love,his life.

After what seemed like hours of endless drifting in complete darkness Andy began to feel empty,as if someone had just pressed the erase button of his soul leaving him strangely devoid of any strong emotions like anger or rage or passion for that matter, instead he felt a carefreeness surrounding him, an almost unbearable lightness he hadn`t felt in….well, he wasn`t sure if he´d ever felt it before this very moment nothing seemed to matter anymore and yet somewhere deep down inside of him it also felt elusively unsettling, surreal….


	2. Chapter 2

I´m truly overwhelmed by all the flattering reviews! They are very much appreciated and certainly keep me motivated! THANK YOU!

"Andy! Darling, did you hear what I just said? If it`s a girl,I´d like to call her Nicole, after your great aunt, what do you think?" He recognized the voice immediately but this face,,,it belonged to Nancy allright but that was 30 years ago, there wasn`t a wrinkle to be found, her hair still had it`s natural dark blond color , her grey blue eyes were sparkling and she seemed to be positively glowing with a genuine smile playing around her lips. "Nancy?" He practically jumped off the couch he didn`t realize he´d been sitting on, only to fall back onto it when his head started spinning wildly. "Andy? What´s wrong? I thought you`d like my suggestions! You always tell me how much you liked your aunt and so.." "I , I ah….excuse me for a minute ok", Andy got up again, this time steadying himself on the armrest with one hand, holding the other one palm first out to Nancy in an attempt to silence her. This gesture earned him a somewhat confused and slightly disapproving look which he barely noticed being busy trying to orient himself in these new surroundings. Only, they weren`t new, as a matter of fact they were quite old because judging by the dreadful cuckoo clock, that Nancy had loved so much, staring back at him from across the room, this was their first house. He vaguely recalled the bathroom being down the hall on the left and decided to give it a try before Nancy would start getting even more suspicious. His memory served him correctly and he quickly locked himself in the bathroom splashing cold water in his face…he needed to wake up from this nightmare or whatever this was because it sure as hell wasn`t real, it couldn`t be. Andy lifted his head to look for a towel when he saw his own reflection looking back at him. His mouth fell open and he instantly backed away from the mirror…his reflection showed a younger version of himself..again, around 30 years younger without any grey streaks in his hair or the careworn features from years of addiction and witnessing human abyss. Apart from the expression of disbelief Andy was quite content with what he saw. He tried to remember what it was like "before" ,tried to remember this particular time in his, in THEIR lives and suddenly it hit him and he knew exactly what day this was.

That very morning Nancy had told him that she was pregnant with Nicole . He remembered how thrilled he was about the idea of having created life while he was surrounded by death all the time,felt exhilarating. He felt every bit of that exhilaration right now as if he had indeed just heard the news a few hours ago. What on earth was going on here? Was it all a strange dream, a hallucination of some kind? Then he remembered seeing his bleeding body and the paramedics kneeling over him and suddenly it hit him: could it be? Did he….he didn`t really want to finish the thought but his subconscious betrayed him…..did he die? Was this some kind of afterlife, heaven or maybe even hell? NO! no,it couldn`t be! There was no such thing! Although he was brought up a Catholic, the bitter day to day reality of his job had taught him otherwise. If he believed in anything at all, it was the devil or the evil because no God in his right mind would tolerate parents killing their own children, husbands murdering their wife's or innocent people ending up as collateral damage in a gang fight. No, there must be another explanation for his current predicament. He closed his eyes firmly hoping everything would be back to normal again when he opened them but as soon as his eyelids were shut he saw himself in that parking lot again and Sharon stretching out her arms to where he was lying…OH GOSH! SHARON!


	3. Chapter 3

Cedar Hospital L.A.

"Here! Drink that!" The rough voice of Louis Provenza filled the empty waiting room. Without even looking up Sharon shook her head refusing the cup of coffee that was offered to her. "Now you listen, and you listen good", the voice that he normally only used for windy suspects made Sharon lift her head. Her eyes were puffy, her complexion was even paler than usual and her hair was still sticky with blood, as was the red dress she was wearing. At the sight of the rather miserable state she was in Provenza´s voice mellowed quite a bit as he continued: " You´ve been here for the past 2 days without eating and sleeping at all! You wanna end up in that bed next to him, keep it up!" He practically forced the cup with the hot liquid into her hands. She gave him a tired smile and a barely audible: "Thank you, Lieutenant!" They sat next to each other in silence for a while. "Is Nicole still with him?" Sharon´s voice sounded hoarse. "She´s talking to the doctor as we speak! I told her we would wait here for her update," Provenza replied with a deep was another moment of silence before Sharon spoke again, her voice achingly feeble: " He wanted to talk to me about something important that night, you know, he was so adorably nervous all the way from my apartment to the restaurant, like a school boy…", a smile played around her lips at the thought of him standing unusually sheepish in her door frame. A single tear made it`s way down her right cheek. She didn`t want to finish that thought, didn`t want to know what he would have said to her. Provenza opened his mouth to say something but closed it again and handed her a tissue instead. He knew exactly what Flynn was about to confess to the Captain, knew it because they´d had a fierce argument about the whole thing only hours before this so called date. He had called his idiot friend every name in the book for being stupid enough to think someone like Sharon Raydor would be interested in him. And although he would never say it out loud ,but hell yes, he was jealous. He didn`t want to lose his best friend to a woman, any woman for that matter and he wasn`t thinking about twenty or thirty year old flings. This was obviously serious and he saw bar nights and baseball games and sports broadcasts in his living room drifting away for good. So now his bad conscience was badgering him badly. And witnessing Sharon breaking down in that parking lot and the terrible state she was in right now didn`t help that matter at all. Their feelings were obviously mutual, even if they hadn`t told each other yet. For a fleeting second he thought about sharing his knowledge with her in an attempt to make amends for his argument with Andy but in the end he decided that the selfish act of calming his own conscience would make matters worse for Sharon, at least for now.

Some time later Nicole walked in looking a lot like news she had were not very promising. The shoot went straight through his left lung and also graced his heart. He had lost a lot of blood and at one point the oxygen supply to his brain was interrupted but they couldn`t really determine for how long exactly and what damage it had caused. Although Andy was out of danger for the moment , he was in a Coma and it was impossible to say if and when he would wake up. He was currently hooked up to a respirator to give his heart und lung time to heal. To wait was all they could do….


	4. Chapter 4

It had been 2 days already and he was still in his old house with his pregnant wife . This seemed less and less like a dream. He never cared much for Science Fiction but the term parallel universe did cross his mind a lot over the past 48 hours. According to Nancy´s pregnancy and today´s paper it was obviously 1984. He was still a Sergeant with Robbery/Homocide and he and Nancy had only been married for a little over a year… apart from a few minor disciplinary issues at work due to his infamous temper he had always recalled this time as the happiest and most content in his life. Regarding the lack of a logical explanation for his current situation he had, at least for now, decided to play along, trying very hard to remember the little details of their life back then. He was grateful that destiny (or whatever had put him here) had chosen a weekend and apparently a weekend during which he was not on call, for his situation was hard enough to deal with without work on top of everything, he´d have to face that part of his life soon enough, tomorrow morning to be exact, but for now dealing with an upset Nancy required all of his attention. She´d always been rather hot tempered, much like himself, a fact that had initially attracted him to her. He loved how her blue eyes sparkled and how carefree she seemed at times. That carefreeness had disappeared rather quickly even before he started drinking excessively. Facing the reality of his job had been equally hard on her especially after they´d had children and their difficult tempers ,exciting in the beginning, had slowly started to work against them. Right now she was upset about him falling asleep on the sofa the last 2 nights. It was a conscious decision on his part but of course he couldn`t tell her that. The thought of spending the night next to her made him feel rather uncomfortable although he knew she would demand an explanation rather sooner than later. "Listen, it´s not a big deal,okay? I have a lot on my mind these days and I didn´t want to wake you coming to bed in the middle of the night and tossing and turning afterwards. You need your rest right now!" He figured that this would trigger a whole new line of questions but it was the best he could come up with at this point. Surprisingly enough though, Nancy´s features softened somewhat:" I know this case has been bothering you more than usual lately but if that´s how it`s gonna be every time….", she paused and her gaze wandered to the floor,"this isn`t gonna work, I need you here with me", one of her hands slid down to her belly," WE need you here!" It felt like a slap in the face, like a sudden revelation. Everything seemed to fall into place now…there it was, right in front of him, the second chance he had craved for so long, the chance to wipe out all of his failures, a chance for a life without addiction and disciplinary actions, a chance to be a good father and a reliable husband…it was so incredibly tempting and just maybe a little too tempting….for some reason a scene from a play he had seen on a date years and years ago came into his mind. Doctor Faustus it was called and one scene in particular stayed with him all that time: The devil promised Faustus a new life in exchange for his soul after his death. Yes, that´s exactly how he felt right now. While watching the play back then, he would have switched places with Faustus instantly, for he felt that there wasn`t much left of his soul to begin with and he would have gladly given that up for the very opportunity that so willingly presented itself to him in this moment. But right now he was full of doubt.


	5. Chapter 5

Following his silence Nancy had turned away from him and was now fighting tears, Andy could see her form shaking slightly. He sighed and got up to put his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. She spun around immediately throwing her arms around him sobbing quietly into his chest. "Hey, hey, sh, I´m here, I´m right here!", he heard himself say. His heart went out to her. He had caused her so much pain the first time around, didn`t she deserve something better this time or in general for that matter?She was carrying their child for heaven`s sake and his precious little girl deserved everything he could possibly give her.

That night Andy finally had no other choice than to spend it in bed next to Nancy at least if he didn´t want to provoke another argument or more tears. It felt strangely familiar and yet incredibly odd to have her snuggled up next to him fast asleep. It just didn`t want to feel right, as he closed his eyes his mind drifted off to Sharon. How many times had he imagined her head against his chest, his nose buried deep in her hair and her scent intoxicating him throughout this last year. He had almost become dependent on their little dinners, their endless talks, her ability to soothe his rage attacks with a few calming words, gestures or even just looks. Where was she now? Whatever happened to her after this dreadful scene? If this was his past, would it be hers too? Was she out there too,possibly pregnant with Emily and (worst of all) married to Jack? The thought alone made his whole body tense and caused Nancy to shift a little with a complaining hum. In an attempt to calm down he forced himself to think back to 2 days ago. He felt like on his first date when he went to pick her up that night. Louis had done his best trying to convince him of the inevitable failure of this undertaking and they had gotten into a major argument about it but in the end Andy had just walked away leaving him bickering on his own. He thought it was kind of cute how Provenza tried to disguise his so very obvious jealousy. Andy just had to tell Sharon the truth about his feelings and was hoping he had read her signs correctly and that the confession would end up being mutual. He loved her, he had never been more certain about anything in his life and he was more than ready to commit to her and to them whole heartedly. It was nothing like the exciting, all light headed carefreeness and strong physical attraction he rushed into with Nancy, but a feeling of coming home after a long exhausting journey, a warmth that wrapped itself around him like a comfortable blanket,for the first time in his life he felt grounded and the thought of losing that for good made his heart ache.


	6. Chapter 6

PRESENT

"And don`t you dare show up here again before you´ve had a decent amount of sleep", "I´ll do my best Lieutenant and you make sure you call me the minute something changes!" "Of course Captain , now try to get some rest and I´ll see you in the morning! Don´t worry, I won´t let him out of my sight!" Before Sharon could say anything else Provenza had hung up. She let out a shaky breath before plugging her phone in to charge. She really didn´t want to leave the hospital but the older man had practically ordered her to go home. She hated to admit it but he was right, she was physically and emotionally exhausted and so she, Nicole and Provenza had agreed on taking turns watching over Andy. Looking at her reflection in her bathroom mirror she became aware of all the dry blood in her hair. A shower was long overdue! While the hot water washed over her drained body colored pink by all the washed out blood she saw Andy´s lifeless body in front of her once again. She suddenly felt stone cold despite the current temperature of the shower. There was nothing she could have done, it all happened so quickly: her hand in his, the dark blue SUV driving by, two shots, Andy tumbling to the ground….fear had a lock on her heart once again. She couldn`t lose him, she just couldn`t. She couldn`t lose her friend, her confidante, her rock, her shoulder to cry on. In a situation like this he would have held her steady, put her back on her feet or simply held her while she had a good cry. He would have smiled and there would have been golden sparks in his kind brown eyes, he would have brushed a strand of hair from her forehead and told her that it would be alright . For once in her life she felt secure and cherished and…. loved. There, now it was out, she had finally dared to admit it to herself. She was sure that he was going to tell her exactly that but she wasn`t sure that she was truly ready to hear it. And now she might never hear it…she shook her head vehemently. She needed to stop this line of thinking, he would wake up, he was stubborn enough to not give up without a fight, he wouldn`t just leave her, he had promised as much!


	7. Chapter 7

ANDY

He was back at work. Fortunately and unfortunately at the same time he remembered their current case well. A group of robbers was preying on elderly people having already killed 4 people in the process including his partners parents-in-law. He wished he would have been sent back earlier to prevent it from happening all together but all he could do now was help move the investigation forward a bit quicker by some well placed occasional hints. Andy was happy to see his old partner again, they´d always worked well together until Spence transferred to Arizona where his wife had gotten a lucrative job. His Captain had congratulated him on solving the case so quickly but Andy couldn`t really get much joy out of it. Technically he knew exactly who would commit which crime in the future but what was he supposed to do? He couldn`t just arrest people for reasons of precaution, because he had a hunch but could he live with knowingly letting people die? He was in desperate need of a drink. He was in desperate need of a meeting but where? It´s not like he could get out his phone and check on the internet. He had not needed a one in quite a while now, not since things had progressed with Sharon. Sharon, that was it, he needed to find her, she would know what to do, what to say. In his desperate urge to see her, he momentarily neglected the fact that she probably had no clue who he was! He vaguely remembered her telling him that she had started working in FID in 83 when Emily was 2! He wondered briefly why he hadn`t come across her until 5 years later… In fact he had to look up the Force Investigation Division on the building directory for from what he could remember the "rat squad" had always come to see him in his department since he refused to set foot on their territory. They would surely mock the crap out of him but right now that was the least of his concerns. He decided to walk up the three floors hoping to think of a plausible story to tell her but nothing would come to mind. Andy looked at his watch, it was already 5:30 pm and suddenly he wasn`t very hopeful that she would still be there. The corridors were pretty much deserted and only two or three offices were still lit. He wandered around a little until he heard a familiar voice through the half open door of one of them. "Well, I´m sorry that we pose such an inconvenience to you Jack….don´t you dare tell me to calm down, it´s your daughters birthday for God´s sake and I´m tired of coming up with excuses for you, tell me, how much of you is the new baby going to see? ….Never mind, I´ll manage cause **I** don`t have a choice!" The phone was slammed down and he heard quiet sobbing. He clenched his fists and practically burst into the room causing Sharon to jump to her feet. "Who are you?" Her voice sounded slightly panicked . Andy was left speechless for a moment, overwhelmed by the sight of her: her hair was darker and she wasn`t wearing glasses, her face was fuller and despite the upsetting phone call she seemed to be glowing from the inside which probably had something to do with her very obvious baby belly. "Sergeant Flynn?" His name pulled him out of his reverie. "Uhm, you know who I am?" Her expression softened and she let out a tiny snort: "I don`t think there is a single person in this division who hasn`t heard of you! As matter of fact we use your file to train our rookies! What a pleasure to finally meet the man behind that file! Sergeant Sharon Raydor!" She held out her hand for him to shake. He took it, still staring at her blatantly. "Whatever brings you up here?" There we go, Andy thought. "Your file lists you as rather outspoken. It obviously needs updating!" She smirked. "I , uhm, I was just, uhm, you know…." Her emerald eyes were glistening with amusement and she raised her eyebrows. " It uhm was a stupid bet really! My partner is convinced that I can`t manage to get in and out of here without being sent to an anger management or sensitivity training!" He was confident that it sounded silly enough to be believable! "Mhhh, what makes you think that I won`t prove him right?" "I´ll buy you coffee!" He gave her his most charming smile. "I don´t even know you!" "You´ve read my file, you probably know me better than I know myself!" Now she was all smiles. "That had better be amazing coffee!"


	8. Chapter 8

Together they walked to the little diner a few blocks down the road where Spence and he spent most of their break hours. Whereas the food could best be described as plain, Andy had rather fond memories of their coffee. It had kept him from collapsing after a long work night more than once. They chose a booth in a somewhat secluded corner and ordered two cups of coffee. Sharon eyed him curiously and he could tell, she was trying hard to read him. "Sooooo", he breathed out,"what`s the verdict?" She gave him a somewhat bashful smile and stared down at her coffee mug:"You were certainly right about the coffee, it is rather good!" " That´s not what I meant and you know it! What´s your verdict on the infamous Andy Flynn?" Now he was grinning like a Cheshire cat. She lifted her gaze and looked him directly in the eye, her voice suddenly sounding a little tense: " I think that your FID file doesn`t do you justice at all and that I really shouldn`t be sitting here with you!" "And yet, here you are!" "Yes, here I am", she sighed, absentmindedly caressing her round belly. "How far along are you?" he asked gently. "5 months and I have 2 year old at home." Her face darkened and Andy thought that she looked like she was about to cry. "I should really go", she had already started gathering her things when Andy spoke again:"Was that your husband on the phone earlier?" She froze and looked at him in surprise. "How much did you hear?" "Enough I guess…" Sharon slid all the way back into the booth. She clasped the half empty coffee mug in her hands and stared into the black fluid. Andy could almost hear her pondering and hated himself for bringing up the topic. And if he was completely honest with himself his intentions were purely selfish for his actual intent was to discredit Jack. He made a decision once, a promise he would never consciously do something to hurt Sharon, a promise he had just broken. His head dropped to his chest and he too grabbed his coffee for support. "Listen, I didn`t mean to… I uhm just…." "Do you think people can pretend to be someone they´re not?" It was almost a whisper, barely audible for him, more like a thought that had accidently escaped. He just looked at her inquisitively, baffled for a moment. "I mean, is it possible for someone to pretend to be someone else, to even fool the people close to him only to turn around eventually and become a completely different person? Or were the people around him just too ignorant or naïve or stupid or…." At that point she was so upset that she didn`t even notice the tears streaming down her face. Andy let go of his mug quickly and reached for Sharon´s hands instead. "Listen to me Sharon, don`t, ok? Don`t do that! It´s not your fault that Jack is neglecting you and the kids, you´re not responsible for his drinking and gambling, you´ve tried long enough to be patient and understanding! It´s his decision and his alone, do you understand?" She stared at him in disbelief, slowly pulling her hands away from his grasp. "I´ve never talked about this to anyone, how can you possibly know about Jack and our life?" She sounded hurt now, angry even. When he tried to reach out for her again she backed away instantly. "What kind of game are you playing here?" "This is not a game Sharon, I just know the type, ok?" "Oh really? And how´s that? Some Psych seminar at night school? I`m leaving !" Now she was downright furious. Before she could storm away Andy grabbed her wrist to hold her back:" I know it because I AM the type" he said his tone resigning, letting go of her. She stopped moving but still stood with her back facing she didn't speak, he continued: "Have you ever wished you could live your life all over again? To go back to the moment it all went wrong and try to make it right?" At that she turned around, her face almost completely expressionless. She gestured Andy to scoot over and sat down next to him. She turned her head away and looked out the window with pursed lips. "About a million times", she finally said regretfully. "But then I look at my little girl and how adorable and perfect she is and I wouldn`t want it any other way. I wouldn`t want to do it all over again,I could never be sure of the same outcome even or especially with a different partner. Who can say what other man I would have attracted…could have been better but could have been a lot worse too." "But what if you were the one who screwed things up good and hurt everybody you loved in the process? Wouldn`t you have an obligation to try and make it better if given the chance?" "Oh Andy, people hurt each other all the time, sometimes willingly but probably mostly unintentionally. For every corrected mistake you will make a different one instead. Trial and error, that`s how life works. Realizing your wrongdoings is the first step, admitting them in front of others and regretting them is the second and the final step is to learn from them and avoid them in the future. I think you should try to be true to yourself and others, it`s pretense I can`t understand. Who we are as human beings is ultimately the sum of all the conscious decisions we´ve made in our lives even if they turned out to be wrong. I even dare say that we grow more from those! The only question is, if we manage to turn them into something positive. Tell me,"she turned around and fully faced him now, "are you happy with who you are right now?"


	9. Chapter 9

Andy gazed at her, dumbstruck. He once again turned back his attention to his now empty cup. It was a simple enough question, one he had not contemplated in a very long time. It amazed him how already back then Sharon seemed to know the right things to say. And when he looked back up, she did indeed look just the tiniest bit pleased with herself, as if she had gotten exactly the response she had aimed for. "I don`t know" he broke the silence, "I´ll have to think about it." Her reply was a slighty condescending hum leaving him under the impression that Sharon considered it to be an easy yes or no issue. Nevertheless she excused herself and made her way to the bathroom. Andy beckoned over the waitress and ordered another round of coffee and started to weigh the pros and cons in his life before he saw himself possibly bleeding to death in a parking lot. There was his job, a job he loved, at least most of the time, that he found fulfilling and important and that always been the one constant in his he was still at the top of his game at his age made him proud. He was part of an extraordinary team that he could rely on, in and outside the station and together they worked hard to make a difference. They were friends and he would throw himself in the line of fire for each and every one of them. Then there was his family, while the atmosphere between him and Nancy was still pretty frosty, his relationship with Nicole was improving rapidly. Ever since her wedding he had been invited to every major family event, dance performance of his step grandkids and just quiet evenings at their house. He had even had dinner with his son when he was in town last and whereas things weren´t progressing quite as quickly as with Nic, there was progress none the less and he felt that he could finally play the part in his children ´s life that he had wanted to play all along. He still went to AA meetings regularly but his role was becoming more and more that of a mentor and sponsor for he himself hadn`t felt the desperate urge for a drink in quite a while now. And then there was Sharon. She had by now influenced his whole life, had helped to change it for the better. Sure, he had worked on himself adamantly long before she had walked into his life but his treacherous temper had often enough torn down with one hand what he had tried to build up with the other. She wouldn´t give up on him, sending him to the 20th anger management class, knowingly putting up with him hating her guts and making fun of her with his colleagues. And after all that crap he gave her somehow she still found a way to trust him enough to let him into her heart, making him believe again that despite all his failures and weaknesses he still deserved to be loved.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he had not noticed Sharon slipping into the bench opposite him. Her voice startled him: "It´s getting late, I have to pick up my daughter from my neighbor soon!" She reached for her coffee and took a couple of sips before cradling it to warm her hands. "The answer to your question is yes", Andy finally said. Judging by the confused look that he got, her head had obviously been occupied with something else in the meantime. "I think I AM happy with who I am at this point in my life!", he said, reminding her. She gave him a broad smile that didn`t really reach her eyes. "You´re very lucky then, I guess, not many people would reach that conclusion. You should be grateful!" He couldn`t help but notice an air of bitterness in her voice when she said that. His heart clenched in his chest. He reached for her left hand and took it in his right gently caressing her knuckles while his eyes searched hers. She didn`t pull back, but firmly held his gaze. "I am!" His words were ever so gentle and heartfelt, his eyes never leaving hers and for a moment there he thought he had seen his older self reflected in them.

"I, I really have to go now" she stammered obviously not able to look away from him either. "Any more coffee?", the waitress finally broke the spell. "No, we´re fine!", Andy snapped, hoping to be rid of her quickly! She fortunately got the hint and left. Sharon attempted to do the same but was held back by Andy. "Wait , this is not fair! I answered your question! You owe me one!" He gave her a crooked smile. She carefully pulled her arm out of his grasp. "I´m sorry", her voice was trembling. She rushed past him towards the exit. Andy tried to follow her but had only made it halfway through the diner before Sharon reached the door. He already saw her storming out, when she suddenly stopped abruptly and turned around. He almost fell when he stopped as well looking at her pleadingly. She fixated him for a long while: "The answer is no!" And then she was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you all around for your kind words! While writing this short chapter I thought it was very cheesy but it was the best I could come up with! Please accept my apologies! :)

PRESENT

That night Sharon was restless, tossing and turning constantly. She had been at the hospital almost all day sitting at Andy´s bedside and now it was Nicole´s turn. She had held his hand, had studied him intensely, trying to detect any change in his features, any sign of a conscious thought, anything that would tell her that he was still there with her but all she could see and hear were the even rising and falling of his chest and the consistent beeping of the heart monitor. His vital signs appeared to be stable but Sharon couldn`t help but getting only very little comfort out of that. He seemed to be far, far away, like lost in another lifetime with only his empty shell remaining. She was dreaming about him now, saw him as a young man, walking through the streets of Los Angeles. He looked lost, wandering around aimlessly until he reached crossroads. He stopped, obviously unsure which road to take. At the very end of one of them she could see a young blond woman who seemed oddly familiar. She looked upset and when she turned, Sharon could see that she was pregnant. Andy started walking towards her but something made him stop. It was only then that she realized that she was there too, calling out his name repeatedly. A moment later he was facing her, looking sad and incredibly helpless. She tried to take his hand in an attempt to comfort him but for some reason she couldn`t reach him. "It´s his decision", the blonde woman said, "…his decision…his….." Sharon woke up panting. She needed a while to figure out where she was while still trying to process her dream. The image of Andy´s distressed expression caused a numb pain in her chest and for a moment she could hardly breathe because it felt so alarmingly real. "His decision.." The words echoed in her head. What was his decision? Was that what was keeping him from waking up, did he have to deliberately chose to come back? She wagged her head in an attempt to shake off this last thought. It was ridiculous, mere esoteric superstition, a phantasm her exhausted brain created. She let herself fall back onto her pillow and took deep breaths trying to calm subconscience however betrayed her once again and slowly the question crept into her head: If it really was up to Andy after all, what would he chose?


	11. Chapter 11

ANDY

He was wandering through the streets aimlessly. He knew Nancy would be mad as hell when he came home, probably assuming the worst by now, but he couldn`t help it. The conversation with Sharon had left him churning. The worst thing was seeing her so obviously troubled without being able to hold or comfort her. The realization hit him hard; he was not a part of her life and even if he tried to claim just a little room in her heart, let alone the room he hoped, he was filling now, Andy knew she would never give in to it. It took her 30 years to get over Jack and this was just the beginning. She would wait for him to change, to be the father and the husband she had dreamed of. She would come up with excuses and forgive him too many times if only for the sake of her children. She wouldn`t jeopardize the fragile relationship they had with Jack for her own happiness. She would always do the right thing and being the reason for two disrupted families sure wasn`t it! On the other hand he couldn`t just twiddle his thumbs and watch her getting hurt over and over again and he sure as hell could never forget about her. So what kind of marriage would HE have under those circumstances. Even if he tried, he would never truly be home or better feel at home, not anymore! It would be utterly unfair to Nancy and the kids. Despite all the heartache he caused his family in all those years, they were always where he wanted to be wholeheartedly and that would only be half the truth now. Sure, his decision was also a selfish one. There was no way that he would wait another life time to be with Sharon. Yes, he had screwed things up but she was right, who could say for sure that he wasn´t going to screw up again in a different way and that the two of them would really end up together again? Nancy would end up bitter and disappointed either way and he wanted his current relationship with his daughter and grandkids to blossom because (and Sharon was right again) would she turn out to be the exact same terrific human being she was now? He was almost running now, he needed to get back, back home! When he looked up again he found himself in front of O´Malleys, his favorite bar, the place where his downwards spiral started. He had no idea how he got there, what it was that had drawn him here but for some reason he knew exactly what to do: he walked up to the bartender and ordered his former favorite: Bourbon on the rocks. He stared into the glass for an eternity, inebriated by the scent alone. His stomach clenched, his body refusing the alcohol at the sheer thought of drinking it. Andy tried hard to ignore all the physical distress and imagined Sharon smiling at him gently taking his face into her hands and has be brought the glass to his mouth, she was bringing him closer for a kiss. Just before their lips met, darkness surrounded him once again.


	12. Chapter 12

PRESENT

His head was throbbing, he could hear his heart beat inside his head. There was another beeping and some other noise he couldn`t identify right away. It sounded like somebody was…no way… was somebody snoring? His eyelids were fighting gravity for quite a while until they finally fluttered open. The room was only softly lit but it stung in his eyes anyway. It felt like he hadn`t been using them in a while. Also his throat felt incredibly dry and a little tried to open his eyes again this time knowing what to expect in terms of brightness. He saw a white ceiling with neon lamps. Slowly he turned his head and found the source of the other beeping, a heart monitor! Hospital! So it wasn`t a dream or hallucination or whatever…that really was him on the ground of that parking lot bleeding….he lifted his head a few inches and finally he discovered the origin of the snoring. Provenza sat upright in a plastic chair with his head dropping down to his chest in regular intervals. Andy smiled but then a sudden pain ripped through him and he groaned. The noise startled Louis and he rushed to his bedside immediately with a worried expression. "Next time you wanna sleep for 5 days in a row just ask for a vacation, damn it!" Despite the teasing Andy could see a wave of relief and emotion wash over his partners face! "5 days?", he asked hoarsely and therefore barely audible. Provenza grabbed a paper cup filled with water from the nightstand and helped Andy take a few sips. "What happened?" His voice was steadier now. "Some bastard shot you out of a moving car, turned out you were the object of a dare to get into the hottest gang in town. You passed out for almost 5 days. Lost a lot of blood and they couldn`t say how long your brain was without oxygen, nobody knew if and when you would wake up again…." Louis´ voice trailed off and Andy could see his concern. "So I´m a celebrity in gang territory now, hm, go figure!", he smirked. "You better not mention that to your girlfriend if you wanna make it out of that bed alive." "Girlfriend?" The older man sighed. "She was worried sick, although I told her, there wasn`t much oxygen in your brain to begin with. Spent every free minute here…she´s even more stubborn than you are, if that´s possible at all." There was a long pause in which Andy didn`t know what to say. "I´m sorry", Louis suddenly said sounding incredibly remorseful. That got him a questioning look. "Listen and listen good cause I´m only gonna say it once: I was wrong ok? Turns out you fools deserve each other after all…" "I´ll say!" Sharon stood in the door pulling her upper lip into her mouth with a bashful smile.


	13. Chapter 13

"I´ll deny everything if one of you should ever bring that topic up again!" Provenza barked and stomped out of the room but not without stopping in front of Sharon giving her arm a reassuring squeeze. She bowed slightly interlacing the fingers of both hands over her heart and mouthed a sincere "Thank you". The Lieutenant nodded briefly and was out of the door. "Whoa, are you sure I was only gone for 5 days?" She snorted lightly and walked over to sit down on his bedside. She looked at him intently. "What?" Andy asked nervously. Her smile was watery. Carefully she cupped his cheek and stroked it softly with her thumb: "I´m glad you decided to come back!" Sharon whispered, her voice thick of emotion. His eyes widened in surprise: "What do you mean by DECIDED?" She couldn´t possibly know what had happened to him; IF something had happened at all! What did Provenza say again, lack of oxygen? It must have had something to do with that and yet it felt so real, he could almost still smell the smoke inside O´Malleys and the Bourbon in his hand. "It´s just that I had this dream last night about you…well, never mind, it´s not important, you´re back here with us again now and I´m very grateful!" While she spoke, she gently ran a hand through his hair. He took it and brushed his lips against the inside of her wrist. "So am I but at some point I would love to hear all about that dream of yours." She looked exhausted, like she had obviously been through a lot lately. He felt terrible for causing her so much pain and decided to drop the subject for now. His story sounded completely insane anyway. "Soooo," he asked instead,"What did I miss other than Louis turning into a big teddy bear and my climbing the gang Olympus?" "I´m glad that this is such a laughing matter for you! You were not the one whose clothes were soaked in blood, you were not the one living in fear of losing the person you lo…" "DAD! You´re awake!" Nicole stormed towards him and enveloped him in a firm hug that made him breathe sharply through his teeth. "Oh Gosh, I´m sorry!I´m just so relieved to see you are better!" She drew back a little and suddenly noticed the somewhat tense atmosphere in the room: "Oh, I, I´m sorry,did I interrupt something?" Before Andy could say anything, Sharon jumped in:" Of course not Nic, you two enjoy! I´ll be back later to check on you!" "Sharon wait", Andy found his speech again. She turned and looked him directly in the eye. "Believe me, I know what you went through and I´m so sorry for putting you through this!" She looked at him curiously and gave him an encouraging smile: "Later!"


	14. Chapter 14

When Sharon came back that night, he was sitting in a chair by the window staring into the night. He seemed to be deep in thoughts since Andy didn't hear her come carefully snuck up behind him and gently placed her hands on his shoulders. He sighed deeply,taking them into his own and brushing her palms with tiny kisses. Sharon smiled broadly: " Who allowed you to get up so quickly?" "I let my charm work on the nice young nurse! You know I'm irresistible!" He chuckled, hissing when it pulled on the stitches. A hum that sounded a lot like Schadenfreude was her pulled a chair closer and sat down close beside him sliding one hand down his arm and then taking his hand again."How are you feeling?" "Good, I guess!" She tilted her head and looked at him inquisitively. He chose to ignore her questioning gaze."So tell me about this dream of yours!" She let go of him and ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes wandered out the window. "That bad, huh?" "I wouldn`t call it bad, it was just very disturbing … never mind anyway, it was just a silly dream!" "Come on Sharon, you know you can talk to me about anything! You said something about me making a decision earlier…?" She turned around and looked at him with a worried expression. "You were walking around aimlessly, like you were lost. There was a blond woman there, she was pregnant and you finally started walking towards her; but when I called you, you turned around and…and…."her breathing was heavy now and her eyes were all watery. She put a trembling hand on his chest, right over his heart. Andy hooked his index finger under her chin and lifted it blandly. "… and what?" Sharon´s voice was shaky now."… and you looked like you were suffering terribly! And then the blond woman said that it was your decision and although I couldn`t be sure what she meant by that, I was incredibly scared because…" Tears were streaming down her face now. He cupped it with both hands and wiped them away with soft strokes of his thumbs. He was surprised by how calm he still was on the outside because his soul was in turmoil. How was that possible? How on earth could she know about his , for a lack of a better word, experience? " "… because?" "… because what if that decision was whether or not you would come back …. to me?" The last two words were a mere whisper. Andy was still holding her face in his hands. His heart was aching looked Sharon in the eyes drowning in the emerald depths, slowly pulling her closer. Their warm breaths met in mid air making him dizzy and before he even realized it, he heard himself susurrate: "I love you!"


End file.
